Unmoving

This Monday will mark the half way point for us.  20 weeks.  It can only get more exciting from here, right?

Because the doctor is super paranoid with this pregnancy (Ashton had some problems, putting me at high risk for getting pregnant again) he’s done a sonogram I think every time I’ve gone in.  We had an official one last visit, to make sure the baby is ok and hopefully see the gender.  The baby is either shy, or very very VERY interested in that part of his/her anatomy, because it wouldn’t take it’s hand out from between it’s legs.  And because it was still a little early, we couldn’t see anything.  So the fetus is still an “it”.  I’ll just continue calling it a parasite for now.  It’s fun, because it makes everyone around me crazy when I do that.

I just don’t feel all that connected to this baby.  Not like I did with my last pregnancy.  Maybe I got myself so psyched out in the first couple of months (I was sure that I was going to lose it) that I’ve not been able to get back to that attachment?  I genuinely have no idea.  With Ashton, I could feel how he was doing all the time.  I knew he was a boy long before the doctors did.  There were no surprises until he was actually born, and had been having difficulties.  Even that wasn’t much of a shock.  I went to the hospital because something didn’t feel right.  I was so in tuned with him.

This one?  I just can’t get a feel for it at all.  I know it’s active because we’ve seen on the sonograms how squirmy it is.  But I just don’t feel as much movement as I would have expected.  And I really have no clue about the gender.  I have always imagined myself having two boys.  I would love a girl, but I’ve never imagined having one, and the idea really never crossed my mind.  Now that it’s a real possibility that this baby will be a girl (50/50 at least) I’m not sure how to respond.  I would like to know so I can adjust my brain to the idea of it.  That and so I can clear out all of the boy clothes that we’ve kept behind from Ashton’s wardrobe.  And buy new stuff.  It would also be nice to be able to tell my mother so she’ll stop bugging me about it.  And you thought I was impatient!

On the outside, Ashton is bound and determined to make me insane.  This whole “I’m not taking a nap and you can’t make me” thing is crap.  The bedtime routine hasn’t gotten much better.  The potty training has improved by leaps and bounds, but only when he’s in a good mood, which is not when he’s tired.  So you can see the problem we’re having this week.  My mood isn’t helping things much, because I’ve not gotten a decent night’s sleep in about a week either.  Maybe the kid and I just need a break from each other.

I’ll let you know about the baby as soon as I do.

Published in: on April 16, 2009 at 8:36 pm  Leave a Comment  

In The Event of My Death

I’m dying. I can’t breath, and seem to be oxygen deprived. I’m dizzy ALL THE TIME and it doesn’t seem to matter if I take drugs. I can’t sleep. Sleep tends to include breathing, and as we’ve already covered…
This sucks. I’ve sneezed so hard over the last couple of days that my throat actually hurts. My abs hurt from sneezing so hard, and from a bad case of… well… abdomen pain that I suffered through on Wednesday. I was actually immobile for a couple of hours. This was not my favorite experience ever.
I went to the doctor on Thursday. This had nothing to do with being sick or my tummy hurting, and everything to do with our attempts to continue spawning. They checked a bunch of hormones, talked to me about how to remain healthy (as I sat there clearly DYING from not being able to breath) and general stuff like that. As it turns out the results from the test they did a few months ago have changed, and I am now suffering from hypothyroidism. This is a bad thing, especially for people trying to get pregnant. So it’s getting treated. They want me to be super healthy, so they MADE ME take a flu shot. I have not had one in years, and let me tell you just how pleasant they are. I forgot how much those fuckers hurt.
The reason my Doctor is going through all of this is because of Ashton. When I had him he was very sick at birth, and if it had not been for my own intuition, he might not have survived. When I went to the hospital with him, everyone (husband and nurses alike) told me that all of my discomforts and fears were perfectly normal at that stage. I went in anyway and they were all like, “See? We told you this was normal. Silly overreacting pregnant lady. Oh wait, shit, um… the baby’s not happy and we have to take him out RIGHT NOW or he might die. So… good for you for coming in even when we told you that you didn’t need to.” So there is a lot of preliminary prep for the next baby that will possibly eventually happen. Lets all keep our fingers crossed that when and if it does that everything goes well.
So… hypothyroidism, flu shots, plague and not breathing. I smell like mentholated rub, and I am so ok with that. As bad as I feel (and Aaron has the same ick) menthol is the sexiest smell in the world.

Good Bye 2008

This was not an exciting year for me.  Really, it wasn’t.  I didn’t work, didn’t have any great revelations about myself, didn’t grow, didn’t change.  I’m a little annoyed with myself, actually.

Ashton changed so much that it was scary.  But then again, he turned two in October, so I think that’s a requirement. Aaron picked up his violin again and has started to combine hobbies.  He’s played violin for studio functions twice now, and played for Isis’ New Years Eve show.

I look through my Myspace and I don’t see anything.  Sure, I performed at different events, and I joined the MultiCultural Dance Team at the studio, but that’s really all I’ve done.  I guess I’ve read some good books.  I’ve become nothing but a mom who happens to have some hobbies.  My weight hasn’t changed much – it may have even gotten worse over the last couple of months –  so there wasn’t any great accomplishment there.  I just existed.

So I have some goals…

I need to get myself out of the “routine” routines that I’ve been doing for the studio.  I need some new inspiration.  I’m working on it

I want to light a fire under Isis’ ass and see about getting a parade detail worked out.  We (the studio) haven’t done a single parade in the last year, unless you count Scarborough Faire.  I’d like to have an actual group who does parades, and actual small choreographies within them.

I want to pick up a more productive hobby.  I want to get better with my jewelry making and actually see about setting up an Etsy acount and sell some stuff.  This is going to reuqire some new equipment, instead of me faking it with what I have (peyote beads don’t work with a regular needle very well.  I need some proper bead needles).  I would also like to learn to tat and combine the tatting and bead work.

If I could find a way to pick up some extra time working on flowers, I would love that.  I’ve offered to help some friends who have a shop, and I would like to learn as much as I can.  I really want to do this for a living.

So there you have it.  Not very lofty goals, but you have to start somewhere.  Most of them involve educating myself further in the things I enjoy.  Hopefully I can take the things I love and become successful with them.  Wish me luck!

This Year in Fail

Last year I actually put together a list of new years resolutions.  I know, silly.  I really don’t like them, but I manage to do one almost every year with every intention to follow through.  I do try to come up with stuff that’s actually attainable, but it’s still easy to let yourself down to some degree.  So here is my rundown of my success for the year.  I know I still have a month left, but I fail to see how any of these can be accomplished in 30 days.

– Go to yoga more regularly.  I’ve been really having issues getting back into the habit. I was really good about this one.  Up until October I went almost religiously.  But due to medical and personal issues, I have had problems going for the last couple of months.
– Change my eating habits.  This one is already in process, I just need to stick to it. I’ve mostly stuck to it, but not as well as I probably should have.  It’s just so easy to run and grab fast food when you’re busy with a two year old.  But for the most part I try to be a good girl.
– Work on feeling better about my body.  Do we see a theme here? I have no idea how successful I was with this.  My body has been strange and weight seems to be yo-yoing.  My main concern is the tummy that Ashton left behind.  It’s been two years and I still can’t seem to work any of it off.
– Come to terms with the Damsels, and strive to help make them better.  I think there may be some changes that need to be made, not just talked about.  And a few very serious conversations need to be had.  I’m not looking forward to this one. We have completely revamped the Damsels, and have taken most of the year off to work on various stuff.  This is one resolution that has been done, and is still in progress.
– Dance better, if I can.  I need to strive to be more creative in my choreography. I try.  I think my routines are starting to look… routine.  I seem to be in a rut as far as dancing goes.  But I’ve joined the Multicultural Team at the studio, so I think that will help me with different styles.
– Dance at a nursing home event.  I need to know when they are.  I’ve never actually done one. I still haven’t done one.  I never know when they are.
– Hang out with more than just three or four friends all the time.  I love these people dearly, but we have friends that we’ve not seen in a long time.  I think it may be time to try and strengthen those connections. We’ve tried, but haven’t been very good about this.  All of our socializing have been with the same group of friends.  But we have seen a few other friends this year.
– I would like to try and be pregnant at the end of this year.  Don’t know exactly when we’ll start trying, but some time and the end of this year. Unless I get pregnant this month, this one is down the drain.  This was my biggie, and I really was hoping to be pregnant by now.  I hoped that the second pregnancy would be easier than the first, but we discovered that I had to be medicated again just to have a regular cycle.  This is a major factor in any mild depression I’ve been feeling lately.
– I think I would like to make a non-holiday visit up to Oklahoma to see everyone. Mom and I seem to be making a yearly summer visit up there with Ashton.
– Go camping without going to a Ren Faire.  I’ve wanted to go camping for the sake of camping for ages. Yeah… no.  I only went to one Ren Faire this year where I camped anyway.  Someday…

So that’s my year end success rate.  I’m sure I’ll put up my new year resolutions within the first week of 2009, but for now I have no idea what those might be.

I did something silly

Do you all remember a while back that I talked about how nice it would be to have a place to hide out on the Internet, where no one would know who I was and I could post anything I wanted?  Well the idea turned out to be too tempting.  I started a twitter with an anonymous name.  At first it was great!  I could get on there and talk about anything I wanted.  No one would ever be offended.  No one would ever get upset.  No one was supposed to ever know.

This was my therapy.  I would post anything that was troubling me.  Usually these posts were made when my emotions were heightened by some stress or another, and much more dramatic sounding then they ever were in real life.

A few nights ago we celebrated Aaron’s birthday with a few friends.  I got very impressively drunk.  Apparently I got onto the anonymous twitter and started posting some things that were easily recognizable.  I also told someone at the party about it (possibly more than one, but she’s all I remember).  This sort of destroys the aspect of anonymity.

I woke up the next day and saw the things I posted.  I remembered telling someone that it existed.  I instantly pulled it down.  It is now deleted and impossible to access.  No, I will never go into detail about what was posted there.  No, I will never tell anyone the specific name.  All I can say is I’m sorry.  I don’t know why I felt the need for that kind of secrecy.  I had never really used a private diary and I guess this was my substitute.  It’s about as public as you can get, but no one needed to know who it was.

Hiding On The Internet

So I set up this new blog last night and I’ve started wondering if I did the right thing. Not about setting up the blog itself, that I don’t have issue with. The question is whether I made it too easy to find. It’s fairly obvious to anyone who knows me who’s blog this is.

This is a blog about me. I will not use pseudonyms. I will not mask anything. If I talk about you here, I will name names. That isn’t to say that I’m going to talk trash about everyone here, not at all. If there is someone frustrating me or something I need to get off my chest then I probably won’t say who it is, just describe the situation. If you see yourself talked about here in that way then that’s your problem, not mine.

And this brings me to the point. I wonder if I shouldn’t start a blog that no one knows about. That no one will ever know about. Where I can say exactly what’s on my mind and no one can get mad at me because it’s completely anonymous. I get tired of having to watch what I say on the internet sometimes. I get tired of people starting drama because I voiced an opinion. I have a journal where I can get away with some stuff, but there are still people who read that and it can easily come back to haunt me if I say the wrong thing. It would just be nice to have a place where I didn’t have to edit or censor myself.

It wouldn’t last. I know me. I’d let it slip that it exists, or want to show someone something I wrote about some situation or other, and the next thing I’d know everyone would be getting on to me about the things I said about… whatever.

It’s a bad idea. I’d never go through with it. But it’s still tempting.